from yesterday: 2009

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

far from here

im sick and emotionally drained... my head is throbbing, i can't breathe, my whole body aches and youre not here... i dont even know why im even thinking about this.... i just thought out of all people you would be here to make me feel better, but youre not... of course you wouldn't. Im so foolish to think that you would... so i'm trying to distance myself...because its what i do, when i know youre about to hurt me, i distance myself... so what is so confusing because you making me confuse makes me want to distance myself further than where i am now... i've told you everything, my feelings my thoughts, and i can't convince you so i'm running and don't chase after me because i'm running my feelings away... away from my heart, away from you, away from me... i questioned everything i believed for you... im willing to stand up to my parents for you and you obviously don't know how its a huge deal for me becuase you are so caught up with what you think and your feelings, i don't think you've considered mine... i've asked you 3 times already... so im not asking again... because you keep on telling me the same damn things so im at a halt. you said you like me... its been 2 years and you still don't know me... you don't know if you want to be with me.... you want to be with someone whose lightweight your best friend... well i think you've found someone perfect already.... so let me step aside and stop making me look foolish. because i feel foolish to have thought anything more... if you just wanted to prove that you can get me... congrats you got me and now that you have me you don't want me, so i don't want you... how about that, im through compromising with you ... so there. wasabi. there it is. and if you ever ask me whats changed, i finally saw how great of a person you are, i considered you as one of my closest friends, i looked up to your opinions on things, i liked laughing with you, and you took a piece of my heart when i cried that one day in riverside and you sat on my bed to comfort me... i figured no one could comfort me better than you...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I think I left a piece of my heart....in a dresser -GabeBondoc

So, I guess I can't have what I want...
It amazes me to see that there are still stereotypical thinking people like my family around. You think after all the things we have faced as Asians in America they would not be so blind as to judge other races... as for me I am so OVER IT!! If I like a guy, or if I am attracted to a guy of a different race, it isn't allowed.... WELL WHAT IS?
Asians, Asians, Asians, all I'm allowed to look at are Asians... Marry an Asian guy, Love an Asian guy, Have ASIAN Babies... well NEWS FLASH!!--- If there is an asian guy out there for me, you will be the first to know, if there is an asian guy for me I will marry him, but what is so wrong about liking another race? what is so wrong with being attracted to a great white/ black/ hispanic/ mixed man? apparently I AM NOT ALLOWED... so now what am I suppose to do?
You tell me that i should be open with you about guys... how can i be when i can't even speak about a guy i potentially like of a different race? i mention hes white... phone goes silent. i say he likes basketball, you ask if hes black. How do you know if he isn't my type unless you give him a chance. how would you ever understand me unless you get to know them? obviously if i like them i see a little of me inside of them, and i wish you could see the same. IM NOT DUMB! yes okay i do go for the bad boys... but intelligent ones, who i know will treat me right. what are you going to do disown me?
you have berny to have asian babies... from my track record you should know by now that the likelyhood of me being with an asian is about 10% so... all im saying is GET USE TO IT!!!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

pull on my heart

i don't get you.
i don't see what you see in her that is so precious that you question our friendship.
you put her on a pedestal.
you are so considerate of her feelings. what she thinks...
you ask her to ride with you.
you tend to her needs
you miss her.
yet, you still question ours. i was there to pick up the pieces she left. when she stopped talking to you, when she didn't care, when she was sick of you, when she was annoyed, i took over.
but of course you would listen to her words so intently and brush mine aside.
who do you think i am, that i would just tell her everything about us? did it occur to you that she asked? it wasn't even in her damn place to be mad at you. it wasn't her place to be hurt. it wasn't her place to judge the decision that i made. i told her that your friendship and hers have nothing to do with us. i needed her to be okay for me, because i was okay. at that time you were it for me, so at that time and still till today i am okay with the decision i made. so why was she still angry at you? the only one who should be angry is ME.
you confuse me so much. making moves and then blowing up in my face. did it not occur to you that people don't get along with you because of you? of course not.
i'm done picking up her pieces. she never liked you... she never thought of you as her best friend... DEAL WITH IT. that was a one way street- friendship... where you are chasing her, but you go on ahead. by the time you decide to make a turn to a two way street you probably will miss it.
how did this happen huh?--- "We are the two way street of the Nile River" our friendship was suppose to last a long time. but no, i guess it should end here i wanted to be friends, but you make things difficult and i HATE it. i would never admit that i loved you... but you still have a damn pull on my heart... no matter the shitty things you do. no matter all the fucked up things you say, i stay and i have to stop because i can't fix you. i want you to stop being selfish.
i feel used by you. i feel abused by you. i feel like i can never let you go because what we had was so special to me... but i guess it wasn't the same for you. i hold your friendship so close to my heart, but you don't appreciate me. you obviously price her friendship as a higher value than mine. --- i feel stupid...

Monday, April 13, 2009

Someone who will put up with the things loving me can bring

"Someone who will put up with the things
Loving me can bring
But still be there to see us through
Someone who would put up
With the strange and complicated thing
Cause I would do the same for her too
Someone who I can be real with
ain´t gotta be perfect
Because loving one another is all that matters
it´s not hard to explain
So believe me when I say
That I found all of that in you"

So... I thought that Musiq Soulchild's new song is the cutest song ever! My favorite line is "put up with the thing loving me will bring" :) i think in every relationship this is so true. So i decided to write about my weaknesses in relationships...
Don't expect me to look good everyday, every night, every morning because you'll be very dissappointed. I don't get all made up everyday but i guess that is when you know someone really likes you... when they've seen you at your very worst.
Don't expect me to want all of your time because i need my own, but i'll be glad to keep you company whenever you need me to
Don't expect me to be calling you 24 hours a day to check up on you because i won't.
Please go out with your boys so I can have sometime with my girls
Don't mind my random sayings and my dorky-ness
When i get mad please bare with me.
When i get frustrated during the day... just look at me and smile because i'll do the same for you.
Love me for me... which is a lot to handle
Bare with me, because I take time to open up to people... especially if it is emotional or personal
I'm sorry if sometimes I get quiet, it doesn't mean that i'm mad or sad most of the time... its just comfortable silence... i'm enjoying time with you...
Please don't get mad if i suprise you :) i tend to do it a lot...
I'm sorry if I am hesitant to let you love me... its harder than you think...

So there might be a lot more but these are just a few that i can think up at the moment :D

Saturday, March 28, 2009

glad youre okay

You're back! ...and i have never been so happy to see someone, to see that youre okay. You are the bravest person i know, risking your life to go to Iraq... and I'm glad youre back
I told my mom that i saw you and her first response was -- "You should get back with him!" -- (LOL) hahaha- good one mom.
If we kept going, and we were good at being us we would have been together for almost two years now... seeing you again reminded me why we were us ... you're my dorky best friend who became something more... I learned a lot from us, i learned a lot from you, and a lot from me... When i saw you it was back to what i knew... you and the stinkies and me it was like old times, that comfort zone that i miss so much. (hahaha) leave it to my girls to make us always sit RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER... i missed you... and i am so proud of you... if i could say how proud i am i probably wouldn't be writing.
Seeing you i know that somethings have changed... youre not the kind of person to say your feelings. youre not the kind of guy to say if youre hurting or if something is wrong. All my friends they look at you and they tell me that you are exactly the same... they don't think that you've changed a bit. but they don't know you as well as i know YOU. i can see the pain in your eyes, maybe from the things you've seen. but i'm not there anymore. i am not there for you to vent to, for you to say and tell everything to... and i'm sorry. i want to hear your stories and your struggles... i want to be the person that you can tell everything to, the way i use to be... because i know you better than anyone of my friends... i can tell by the tone in your voice if you're okay, or if something is bothering you...
and as for us... i told Isa... i am not the same girl you left 6 months ago... i'm not even the same girl you left 1 year ago... you aren't the same guy... we both have experienced to much to go back to the old us...
I'm so proud of you... i'm so proud to say that my best friend went to iraq and conquered it. i'm so proud to say that you came back safe and you came back being the same dork that i love...
Don't be a stranger, don't be afraid of the dreams you put on hold because they are there in your reach. i'm glad you are going back to school and you are still trying to do what you want to do... take good care of yourself ... I love you... and i will always be here