out of the ordinary

Out of the ordinary is what I always end up being. Out of the ordinary is what I've become. What I would do to be an ordinary for someone out there...

I seem to have the worst luck with picking the best guy.

I haven't written anything about it.. you.. us..(scratch that) me...
its going to be a whole month pretty soon since i haven't spoken one word to you... and given you won't read this, you probably will never hear any of this, I am going to be more transparent than I have ever been before, so this new year I can start off new.

2nd semester i was hurt, more than anything it destroyed me... you were there, you always were. you never wanted anyone to hurt me, you always protected your Bea Bea. when i saw you i would get excited because you're my ... ... and i didn't want anyone to hurt you. i guess that where i went wrong. i calculated everything in order for you not to get hurt that i didn't consider myself or how you would've reacted. I freaked you out... and if you read this it would probably freak you out even more. but we haven't talked for a month and you said we would, but you haven't called, you haven't texted, i saw you and you didn't even glance my way... i tried, i tried to find your eyes, i tried to see if you would even acknowledge me, but the silence should say it all... so this is what i wanted you to know...

I guess it all started that one day in Tracy... how could you not know that i had feelings for you? huh dummy? you and i, we fessed up our feelings that day...
you wanted me to visit you in Sac, and even though you thought i wouldn't, i did because i don't go back on my word... i guess over the summer, we both figured that our lifestyles are wrong for each other. again, i was out of the ordinary.
when school started i didn't think that there was anything, it was set in stone, you and i, we won't ever talk about it, there was nothing to talk about.
but things quickly changed, you pulled me to a corner and then out to your balcony to talk and you gave me a kiss on the cheek... oh how i wish you didn't. i backed away because i know you, you wouldn't want to be with a girl like me. i saw you more and more and my feelings got tangled, it went from telling you no because i didn't want to hurt you or to be hurt again, to no because you're my ... and then it started to become yes, because i saw everything that you didn't see in yourself...
that one day we had the barbecue you said "you and i can't be together because we would fight constantly... you would hate me... thats why i can't touch you, i don't want to hurt you." at that time i think that i was more afraid of hurt you. so that was it, simple... you didn't want a relationship... but regardless you wanted me to talk that night, what did you want me to say? huh? we sat on your bed and if i said i wanted a relationship would you give me one? i told you i liked you... i tore all my walls down that night that i tried to build up for 3 fucking months. so i ask you, how couldn't you not know my feelings?
i am no one special, i am no special girl, i don't have an ounce of what you usually want in a girl,
i wasn't going to force you to be with me.
i wasn't going to beg you to want to be with me,
i wasn't going to make you want me,
i wasn't going to ask you leave your lifestyle,
i wasn't going to ask you to give up fucking other beautiful girls, nice, intelligent, caring girls for me. because in the end i know you wouldn't...
hehe, why have one when you can have plenty...
So we did it, and that was it, every time i saw you i had to hide my feelings, when you touched me, kissed me, looked at me, graze my arm, stood behind me, looked into my eyes, if you even came close, i couldn't....

i couldn't tell you,

i couldn't show you how i was feeling because i needed to protect myself.. i needed to protect you and what you wanted and needed at that time... i needed to be okay, okay for you... i couldn't show you my feelings because you and i aren't guaranteed... how can we start a relationship if you already have doubts? when you already predicted that we were going to miserably fail? destined to drown? ... but, i was already hurting because i am stuck once again in this friends with benefits relationship and i deserved so much more... did i want it to be like this? friends with benefits? what girl would? but i took it because i thought that there was a chance, a chance that you can give me to prove to you that you deserved so much better...

i know that you wanted to be better, if not for me than for yourself and funny thing is, i saw you make positive changes, changes that i admire you for... you needed to have time to do you, i understood that... i understood that much... so i let you, whenever you needed me i was there, it only took one text for me to stop what i was doing to be there with you. but you can only love me as much as you love you, and i knew that took time... but as my feelings stayed, while yours left as quick as a blink...

so i pretended that it was okay
i put on the brave face, when we did it i would leave right away, you never asked me to sleep over, i wanted to so badly believe me i did, but i guess it was better this way because in a way i would've wanted to be with you more if i slept next to you... you use to text every tuesday during the afternoon, those texts became less frequent, the text at night became less frequent, and by the first month i knew that you no longer had feelings for me... i was just another girl that you would fuck... but who was i kidding to think i had the chance right?
funny
joke... ha-
just kidding
and then i spilled everything to you, drunk- and you freaked out... little did you know the things you would say when you were drunk... but its okay, because when you need a ride i will give you one, when you can't drive cause you're to drunk i'll make sure you get home safely, when you feel like you're sick i'll be there to feed you, because thats all i can do... i can only watch on the sidelines. and now you're not even speaking to me...

congrats Bea, round of applause...

you said, "Bea, I'm not a good guy."
this is what i want you to know...
When it comes to guys, a girl doesn't only see his outward appearance, she will stand by his side regardless of the stupid things he chooses to do. She sees the good in him. You, you aren't a good guy, you are more than that. You are intelligent, it amazes me to see you in conversations. You are funny, you lighten up the mood whenever you feel tension in the air. You seek for happiness, whenever we're at parties you would get everyone all hyped up. You can cook, pasta-roni. You can clean. You can make a girl feel wanted. You can make her feel like shes the one person you want to talk to in a room full of people. You can bring comfort. You are loyal, trustworthy. You can give advice. As hard as you think you are, you are just as soft. You care, you care about people's emotions. You love your family and you'll do anything for your friends. You're endlessly listening and forever giving.

After all this... one more thing... life is to short to live with what ifs... that is why i had to take a chance with you... but who am i for you to take a chance with? :)

Lastly, I'm sorry.

i'm sorry that i didn't stop it sooner, i'm sorry for not trusting you enough to tell you, i'm sorry for saying everything drunk, i'm sorry for trying to talk to you that one night, i'm sorry that i even texted you that i was sorry, i'm sorry for thinking that you were better, i'm sorry for settling for what i thought was good, i'm sorry for every night we spent, i'm sorry for being there, i'm sorry for making sure that you were okay, i'm sorry for Tracy, i'm sorry for making it weird, i'm sorry for being so hardheaded that i couldn't just hug you once when i saw you to say i was sorry, i'm sorry for our conversations, i'm sorry for drunken nights and sober thoughts, I'm sorry for having feelings for you, i'm sorry for thinking i might be extraordinary for you...

Sorry.

you made me feel beautiful

Favorite Post Secret of the week

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Maryanne Williams

“The greatest treasures are those invisible to the eye but found by the heart.”

“It's beauty that captures your attention; personality which captures your heart.”

“You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her”

“People often say that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder,' and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves.”- Salma Hayek

When you think of beauty what comes to mind? In a world full of Tyra Banks, Giseles, and Halle Berrys, its hard to think of anything else but superficial beauty. The way someone dresses or looks is what defines beauty to most of the population today. I can tell you many reasons why i don't agree. You will pass by the most beautiful girls and guys on the street without even knowing if beauty is is simply outward appearance. The most gorgeous of girls who gets all the guys might not be the most beautiful girl in the room. But I want to ask this question: How will you know how beautiful someone is without talking to them, listening to them, or laughing with them?

Beauty to me is of the heart. You don't have to necessarily agree with me, but this is my definition of beauty. Outward appearance will fade over time, but one thing that will always last is a beautiful heart.

Maybe it is a little optimistic of me to think in this way. But i do think that some people aren't beautiful inside. To me pretty isn't just looks, pretty isn't just clothes, pretty isn't just facial features or someone's body shape. Pretty to me doesn't have to be gorgeous. Pretty to me is skin deep. I don't like to judge people by their outward appearance because a lot of the people I've met who is "cute"/"gorgeous"/"hot"/"sexy" are cocky and think that the world revolves around them. on top of that, their definition of beauty is outward appearance alone.

So i want to challenge people to open up your eyes. Before you judge someone by their appearance. Question who they are as a person. You will be surprised with the results.

elect me some

Today is the election day that everyone has been waiting for. It will be one for the history books. It will determine how progressive the United States have become. Its time to voice our opinion.

your goof

"I want to be the girl you pull into a photo booth and be a complete goof ball with."

So this is my favorite PostSecret of the week.

"In reality liking someone is the least productive thing in the world, it doesn't feed you nor does it bring money to you, sleeplessness causes loss of productivity, and acting silly all day and night may be mistaken for being a mental patient. you go through painful jealousness and broken hearts, and have 'do you still believe in love?' such stinging words thrown at you. yet i realize when you love somebody i know millions of reasons for doing it. 1st you realize giving brings more happiness than receiving, 2nd instead of bad you see good things first, 3rd you can be a child without a time machine"

Relationships consist of a lot of work. It involves a lot of patience, conversations, and sorries. But you have something good when you can truly say that the happy times outweigh the bad times. Some say that when you love someone it means you have to say sorry more... i think that its true, but if you love someone you would try your best to prevent from saying you're sorry. When you're in a relationship it is you + him. You each have to be you're own person. You cannot be 50% + 50%= 100% you need to be 100%+100%=200%. each of you need to have lives but still grow together.

when i find mine... i want to be in a relationship where i can be a retard, a dork, a loser and not hold myself back for it. i want to be able to mature with him. i want to be able to fight and work things out. i want a guy who can wake up to tangled hair and no makeup me. someone who i don't have to dress up for but want to dress up for. someone that i can call and count on. someone who i can sit down, talk, joke, laugh for hours with. someone who can give be constructive criticism. someone who can make a boring situation fun. someone who can be a best friend. someone who is a reflection of me and where i am in my life. someone who will be able to appreciate and respect me. I want to be able to make him see that he can be a better person. i want to bring the best in him. i want him to learn from our relationship. i want him to feel like he can tell me anything. i want him to be able to say "yeah thats my girl" in front of his friends. i want him to be able to be a retard, a dork, a loser without holding anything back. i want him to be comfortable enough to do spontaneous things with me. i want him to take chances and not be afraid of leaping into them. i want him to enjoy every moment we have together. i want him to be able to hangout with his boys. i want him to be him. i want him to do him. i want him to think that he is the world greatest guy. most of all i want to be his baby, his babe, his girl, his loser, his dork, his dummy, his goofball...

sweetie you had me

i was at a stoplight, a halt between an intersection of you and me that was never clearly defined.
what is this foolish thing i'm doing? who was i to think that i can convince you otherwise? who am i to ask you to take a chance? -but a girl who've taken a chance on you...
every girl wants to be the one that a guy decides is good enough to take a chance on...
so instead of taking steps forward, i think that i've taken steps back. you and i are just not it. of course we're not. who was i kidding. i'm nothing like you. i can't live your lifestyle with you. i thought that you changed, that you needed a change, that you wanted a change.
so instead of waiting for you to change...i'm changing.
i'm changing for me. i'm turning regardless of you. because its hopeless. i'm exhausted from going around and around in circles thinking you will change your mind. i don't deserve to wait forever and everyday in between for a guy that isn't guaranteed.
so if you believe that you are better off with your life now, remember - nothing is guaranteed - sweetie you had me.

...thoughts

I came across this post secret today and i can't help but put it on...

I've been reading this book called Emotional Purity, it is a Christian book that came just at the right time. I am leading a Girl Bible Study group and its really refreshing . This first week i read 5 chapters. Chapter 1) was a story about Tracy and Mike 2) Avoiding Early Intimacy 3) Finding a Mentor 4) Guarding Your Heart 5) Defining a Friendship. There are a lot more chapters that i will be blogging about but I want to reflect on these 5 chapters first...

Emotional Purity is Guarding your heart. One of the girls asked me how can she guard her heart? How not give so much of herself... Funny thing is I'm still trying to figure that out. Ive always been taught to wait before marriage, for sex... but i have never thought about waiting emotionally as well... as women we all tend to invest in relationships, in every relationship we have, its how God made us. Guarding my heart has been one of my biggest struggles because I'm a very trusting person, i give everyone the benefit of the doubt... I say what i mean and I say what I feel. I "wear my heart on my sleeves" One part of the book states that God intended us to go "all the way" (sex) in a marriage relationship, but he also intended us to go "all the way" emotionally as well. Emotionally... its true... if you give someone your heart or even a little piece of it, how much will you have left? How much will you give your future husband or wife? this might sound cliche for Christians but, I've been trying to mend my heart and the one thing that has helped is focusing my pain and my mind on God.
I thought that Ive made the biggest mistake of my life and I thought that i wanted to change it, ask for a rewind, but after reading the Bible and searching, I've realized that everything happened for a reason. I cannot take back the things i've said, the things i've done, the things i've felt... i did my best to prove to someone that i'm a great girl and i never asked for anything back. and i realized that i'm good, i'm good alone. in relationships people should never feel like they are 2 half making a whole. relationships should be two wholes uniting as one, a greater and better one... my mistake is a lesson that i'm now teaching to younger girls so they don't make the same mistakes. and God is a gracious and merciful God. he has forgiven my past sins, my present sins, and my future sins. He is the one person who can make my heart whole...

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."- Ezekiel 36: 26

I'm not saying that i'm going to never let people in, but this time around i'm going to be on guard. i've been hurt so much from boy and girl relationships. i think that guys and girls can be great friends and as girls we can fall for our best friends, but I'm guarding my heart, because no one is good enough for it just yet. when i do find that one person who deserves my heart... he will have my WHOLE heart without any of the bumps, without the bruises, without he scratches form what people have left. he will have all of it.

"Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life." - Proverbs 4: 23

can i get a rewind?

“Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with” -Gillian Anderson

Its 12:14 at night and I’m here listening to my “Missed Chances” play list. What did I miss? Who do I miss? What chances did I miss out on? There is only one answer that comes to mind -I miss you. I miss you five times the world over and I can’t tell you. But I didn’t miss any chances because I took them, I took them all. I leaped into them heart first because for once I trust that there was going to be someone there to break my fall. I have tripped, stumbled, rolled down the hill, just to have myself fallen once again. Foolish isn’t it? When it comes to this game we call love, I am a small child who has no sanity. The child who knows she will get burned yet plays with the same fire.

Mixtape for Stupid...

-Raheem DeVaughn- Butterflies
"Let's sleep like I pretend we do
Convince me that day dreams do come true
Picture as where I picture you
And I just panic when you're in bird's eye view
And I try to say "hello" and the words don't come out right
Wish I could find myself but it's a losing fight"

- Musiq Soulchild- Halfcrazy
"Never thought that we would ever be more than friends
Now I'm all confused cause for you I have deeper feelings
We both thought it was cool to cross the line
And I was convinced it would be alright
Now things are strange, nothings the same
And really I just want my friend back
I'd hate walk away from you as if this never existed
Cause when we kissed the moment after I looked at you different"

- Ben's Brother- Stutter
"since anybody touched me, touched me, touched me
the way that you touch me
So if I stutter, stutter, stutter
and I feel so so so unsexy
so maybe I'll just keep my mouth shut at least until you kiss me
So tell me what I'm supposed to do
Oh it's been ages since we've been really honest
but I can make ch-ch-ch-changes if you really want this"

- Carrie Underwood - I know you won't
"I know you don't mean to be mean to me
'Cause when you want to you can make me feel like we belong
We belong
Lately you make me feel all I am is a back-up plan
I say I'm done and then you smile at me and I forget
Everything I said"

- Death Cab For Cutie - Tiny Vessels
"This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me"

-Ben's Brother- Let Me Out
"You sit and you stare and you wait and you wonder
You think "Maybe it's me and I'm being a fool."
You start to believe it's a curse that you're under
And you're just a doll for a girl who is cruel
So let me out
Or let me in
And tell me how, we can win
Cause I really wanna know now
Before I begin
To let you go (to let you go)
So let me know"

-Paulo Nutini- Last Request
"Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me
Oh, I've found, that I'm bound
To wander down that one way road.
And I realise all about your lies
But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before."

-Landon Pigg- Cen't Let Go
"Well youre the closest thing I have
To bring up in a conversation
About a love that didnt last
But I could never call you mine
Cause I could never call myself yours
And if we were really meant to be
Well then we justify destiny
Its not that our love died
Just never really bloomed
Well I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
Youre holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go
I cant move on from the past
Without lifting a finger youre holding me back"

-Renee Cassar - Forget to Breathe
"Forgot to apologize for nothing
I forgot that life's not fair
but I remember you swearing to me
I remember you never cried
I remember wanting to believe
But now I don't remember why
So if we ever meet again and I'm standing here and you're standing there
Would you do me a favor and don't say what you wanna say
Would you take off that smile you do so well, don't stand so close so I don't catch your smell
And would you do your best not to stare at me cause I cant breathe"

- Carrie Underwood- You Won't Find This
"You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end closer's all there is
But you won't find this"

- Death Cab For Cutie - Expo '86
"Sometimes i think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
And it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.
But if i move my place in line i'll lose.
And i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued
Sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect
The twists and turns of plots that took us from lovers to friends
I'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
And crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself"

-Graham Colton Band- Always on Your Side
"It's alright for you to be scared
I'll drive all night
I'll go anywhere
If someday our stars don't align
We'll go our own ways
You should know I'm always on your side
Could I have treated you better
Something else I could have tried
I don't have to be the one you dream about but you should know I'm on your side
It's where I've always been"

traffic

TRAFFIC
by Marie Digby

This is the third time this week
That I find myself wandering down your street
And I can't seem to give it up.
And I've even stopped making these excuses
For why you're stuck here in my thoughts
When it's been long enough.
And I try to keep myself moving,
But I'm not going anywhere.

I wait in the same spot
Brain like a parking lot
You're the traffic in my head
You're the reason that I'm wrecked
I pray for it to stop
Like rain on the sidewalk
The traffic in my head
You're the traffic in my head
There's just too much to forget

Guess I should be happy now
Everything is back to how it was
Before you came around
I'm already changing
I've even tried to find a new distraction
But still you surround
As if it's not hard enough
And I try to keep myself moving
But I'm not getting anywhere

I wait in the same spot
Brain like a parking lot
You're the traffic in my head
You're the reason that I'm wrecked
I pray for it to stop
Like rain on the sidewalk
The traffic in my head
You're the traffic in my head

A part of me thinks that I'm going crazy
The world's spinning
My vision is hazy
And none of this makes any sense
I never meant for this to end
I can do what I have to do...
If I could only get around you

I wait in the same spot
Brain like a parking lot
You're the traffic in my head
You're the reason that I'm wrecked
I pray for it to stop
Like rain on the sidewalk
The traffic in my head
You're the traffic in my head
There's just too much to forget

stuck.

Stuck, in the zone everyone dreads to be in. I watched Just Another Nice Guy, a movie by Wong Fu Productions. I realized sadly. I’m just another “nice girl”. In a perfect world where nice guys finish first, I would still probably finish 10^th. I’m always stuck in the friend zone, the friend category, the NOT TO DATE LIST!

I’m the girl you turn to when something goes wrong in the relationship. I’m the girl who you joke around with. I’m the girl who will always be there, no matter how many times you screw over. The girl who sees the good in you. The girl who has full faith in you. The girl who always offers help without any hesitation. The girl who is proud of you. The girl who wishes all your dreams will come true. The girl who doesn’t want to see you hurt. The girl who will make you laugh. The girl you can count on and on and on over again.

I’m going to always be the answer you know is right, but never took the chance to guess on. I’m your back up plan. But one day you will realize that I am the girl you cannot be without. Because the truth of the matter is, I’m the girl you want to turn to. The girl you want to make proud. The girl you know will always be there. But once the time has passed and everything is said and done I might be the girl who won’t be there anymore.

I won’t be the girl you can have 24/7. I’m might just be the girl you look back and regret not taking the second look at. The best you never had.

Bur for now. Foolish me. I can’t change who I am, so I’m going to always be… just another nice girl. I refuse to change myself; the person who I am today is the girl that I will always be. And I’m okay if I finish last, because I hope that I can be that one precious thing in your life that you can know will never change.There is only one Bea in this world and you can’t find her anywhere else.

come home...

i know i haven't talked to you for the longest time, i know you're going to leave tomorrow for iraq and i just wanted to tell you to come home. plain. and simple. come back home. I know you will, but a little part of me is afraid you wont. so the only way i can get this out is by writing my thoughts.
i know the last time we ran into each other was weird, it was the first time we hung out since "that day". but throughout these past months we both have grown up especially you. words cannot describe how proud i am of you. i am so grateful for the times we had and the memories to come.
if i can sum up my feelings into 2 words, thank you... thank you not giving me a jacket when i was cold. thanks for running three miles just to surprise me in the morning. thanks for picking me up when we would hangout with the stinkies. thank you for washing my car with me. thank you for getting me in trouble. thank you for letting my brother borrow your Wii. thank you for helping out with Bible study. thank you for chilling with my family and coming to church. thank you for respecting my values and teaching me to be a better person. thank you for always being there.
i know things are a little weird because of what we had, but you were my best friend before anything else... so as a best friend i am asking you to be safe and be on guard!

remember when we first met? it was a Sunday night and Daniel brought you to cotillion practice. when you walked in Kate gave me her look. (you know the look) i didn't know if Daniel told you i was suppose to be your partner but i ended up introducing myself to you. i told you i was your partner and you just said "Umm". LOL. we danced for the first time that night, the dance was hella hard and we tried to keep up with Tita Rose, you were such a LOSER! you were so dedicated to the cotillion practices! i don't think there was a day you missed practice without calling in. man we had so much fun during practices!
LOL. remember the time when Kate saw you feeding some girl a donut? HAHAHA dork. when you were explaining, you were so red. you promised to bring all the girls donuts because you felt bad. LOL. the way Kate was explaining it was hilarious! that was the day we named you jonut. you brought us donuts for the cotillion, you totally clown me for this, but funny thing is i still have the picture of the donuts you brought us.
the same day i noticed your scar, the one shaped like a pineapple. LOL. thats why i started calling you mr. pineapple. man o man ... oh and the pineapple on your phone WOW!- i was so amazed... every time i see a pineapple now i think of you... not cool. when you were gone i tried getting the pooh bear with the pineapple costume. i was so surprised when i got it on the first try, then i wanted to get one for you and got it on the second try. i guess i was lucky huh? i recently took the pineapple pooh bear off my phone and the necklace you gave me, i took it off my rear view mirror. LOL. don't worry i kept it... its in a box with all the letters you wrote.
back to cotillion...
i swear you had a quota for stepping on Bea's toes you needed to step on it at least 5 times during the dance. hahaha. After the cotillion we didn't talk because of a reason that is way to complicated to explain. a few months passed...
when it came to prom. i couldn't imagine myself going with anyone else but you because i mean who would do the running man with me? or the sprinklers? (OH MAN!) you were always a dork and i loved you for it! cause i'm a dork!
we went to your school to ask you remember? me and stinky... i made a puzzle for you that said "PROM?" well we did have plan A but i thought you were going to kill the fishes that i bought, so i didn't want to give it to you... LOL. we thought Daniel was going to catch us... we were hiding in the car. i was so nervous... people were looking in the car and saw me and stinky laying down... you were seriously the last one out of school!but you eventually got out and went to your car... we listened to your friends make the puzzle, they were hella fussy... and you were just talking, telling them where the pieces were suppose to go. :P stinky told me to get out of the car so i did and then... the i popped up. and you were like "Beeeaaaa!"

Prom was fun, MUNDO fun! the stinkies and i had a blast at prom no lie...everyone stayed the night except for you because you had to run with the marines the next day. that was the start of everything. the sleepovers, the getting in trouble for going out hella late. the start of our summer. little did i know my summer with you was about to end.
you know i found out that you were going to boot camp during my graduation? you told all my friends and your friends except for me... but i found out because melanie and kristine felt bad that i didn't know. you always took your time with telling me things. not fair! my graduation night everyone gathered at my house and we wanted to go out. you came with your tux because you were just in a wedding! we went to the city and you were moody for some reason... we went home and i had it with you... you texted me saying you were sorry... its funny how i couldn't stay mad at you ever! but, you ended up calling me up and telling me yourself that you were going to go next week.
remember your graduation? we all went and your sister asked us to go to eat after the graduation ceremony. she was so sweet! i love angie! that night your brother-in-law wanted to swim in the COLD PACIFICA WATER! it was freezing and foggy that night. i had no idea why you decided to strip to your boxers and t-shirt. but you did... with Dom, your brother-in-law, and a few other guys. OH man! it was hilarious!
OH and Kristine's party. my favorite night ever. Kristine only invited our crew to sleep over after her debut. by this time we knew Melissa and Mike were going to go out. i was so tired. we also went to Isa's party that same night because it was in Embassy. you and me, we walked around joking and making fun of each other as always :) after the part was over we went back to the room. it was Kristine, Andy, Melanie, Mike, Melissa, You, and Me. i gave you your graduation gift and made you a card. you asked me 10 reasons why i liked you... i never answered you until that night... i wonder if you still have the card. it was pretty sexy i must say it had 65 reasons why. mostly stupid stuff but you know i love you ;] we got the couch bed... tell me why melissa and mike always got the nice hotel bed? lol. the next day you left for Hawaii.
so a week turned to a month...
a week before you had to go you had a court date, i knew they were going to send you off soon and i was preparing myself for you to go. we went to the park, you were suppose to leave on friday which was 3 days from that day... Dom pulled me aside and said "Bea, you can't tell anyone this okay, but Jordan is leaving tomorrow..." my heart SANK. you were leaving tomorrow. when me, melanie, and kristine were talking i was like dude mike hook it up with the Lowell kids. i guess you heard and took the anger out on Melanie and stinky because you were really mean to them, saying that you didn't want to hang with them and that this was your last goodbye... PUNK... you walked off and didn't say a word to any of us. then we were on the grass just chilling when you came right next to me. and you looked at Dom and you said, should i tell them. i was thinking "just tell stinky and melanie that youre leaving, hurry. do it. i dare you..." then you explained that you were leaving the next day and ended it off with JUST KIDDING! "Whaaaaaaat?" i totally ran off like someone was chasing me without saying a word! you meanie! you ran after me and tried to find me. as always you found me. that night was the first time we talked about the how we were going to handle the situation... you said, "i don't want to go anymore. why do you make it so hard for me to leave?" i told you that you had to leave because you needed to and i would be here when you come back. you said you didn't want me to wait for you, because it wasn't fair... then the whole group came looking for us! LOL. you totally scared them, when you said you couldn't find me...

we had a whole month till you had to leave to San Diego...we spent every single day together. we went to the city, beach, malls, houses most of the time doing random shit like jamming with the piano, drums, guitar, and base. LOL. i loved the summer. it was also the time when we had to practice for Kate's cotillion and you showed up. you said you needed to talk to me so i took you to my favorite place. it over looked the waters and you could see the sunset. we walked along the path and i was wearing sandals (as usual) so it was hard for me to get to the places you were at, but you helped me. i told you i hated snakes... and you did what you would do. walk off and left me stranded! geez thanks! then you pretended that a snake bit you and started screaming! LOL. and guessed what i did? i ran off... LOL i told you i hated snakes. WEIRDO! (you wanted to buy a snake to scare me "nee-ner-nee-ner-nee-ner... you never did, but i got you a wooden one from mexico i named Earnie LOL) -we got back to the car and we talked for hours. we talked about my life and your life. it amazed me that you are so strong and so responsible. we talked about your grandma, thank you so much for trusting me with your stories! our talk got serious and it got quiet. then you asked- "What are we going to do with this relationship?" and i couldn't help but look away. it hit me that you were leaving in a few weeks. we decided that we wouldn't be anything more than friends.
before you left, you asked me to be your girlfriend. stupid. it took you so long to spill it out. did you know that i had so many thoughts in my mind but you finally asked. it took you awhile as usual but you came through, all you needed was to be sure. we tried to hide it from all my friends and your friends because we didn't want to break up and have everyone me weird with us hanging out LOL. you have taught me that a guy can respect me and my values. we were good for each other. we had the same values and morals...i was able to be myself around you. you are the only guy till this day who understood me.
the night you left was so hard for me.
we spent the whole entire day, i took it off work and you came to Bible Study. then we went to your friends house. Melanie, Stinky, Melissa, Mike, Andy wanted to say bye one last time so we went to Melissa's house and watched Rex. LOL... we left at 3 because you needed to be at the airport by 6. when we were leaving everyone cried, it hit me at that moment you were leaving... the car ride home was so quiet. it was one of those quiet moments that we always talked about... comfortable silence, when everything was already said, and all you wanted was right next to you. you walked me to the door and i lost it. i prepared myself for months and i still cried. you know how i hated goodbyes so you said "its not goodbye, i'll see you later!"
Dummy, you had to play the leaving on a jet plane song!
then i had to leave for Mexico. and we wrote each other! 3 whole months of writing letters weekly. and the it was the day i was looking for San Diego. the day that decided if we should stay together or not. but we were better off as friends.
so here is my last letter. be safe, take good care of yourself okay. i need you to come back. i'm not ready for you to leave my life forever. i told you to be safe but you really need to promise me you will. be aware of your surroundings! stay alert! i love you Jonut, so do what you need to do because i will be here waiting for you to tell me all the dorky things i know youre going to do. meet new friends. learn new lessons. and come home...

like i usually end all our old letters...its not goodbye, i'll see you later :)

stay safe

" I would rather try and fail miserably than not try at all"


This Blog is dedicated to Megan Megan. because i haven't blogged.
I've had this "relationship" talk with people so many times this week. I think boys have a different perspective on relationships. Yes, I agree that relationships need physical attraction and physical attraction is a sexual attraction. I'm not going to lie, the first thing that would attract me to a guy is his looks, but I also think that I can get to know person and start being attracted to him. I guess that I'm just a hopeless romantic who thinks that everyone feels the same. Relationships to me isn't about SEX, yeah you need to be attracted to the person, but you do need to be able to talk to them through the good and bad. I think that the strongest relationships are the ones that does not require sex.

LOVE HIDE AND GO SEEK

"LOVE is like hide & go seek, although you can't see them; the heart beats frantically when your near them; therefore there is no hide & go seek forever. Cause eventually you'll find each other"

With Valentines Day coming up everyone has been bitten by the love bug. They are searching of their one and people are caught up with the thought of love. Be content with knowing that you are loved by the people who surround you. Be content with knowing that when all else fails you love yourself. You cannot be content with anything unless you are content with yourself, so rest with this in mind. You see couples walking hand in hand with each other and you envy their relationship, your time will come. I ensure you that love is like hide and go seek, in the end you will find the person who cannot live with out, it takes time and patience because for now they are hiding.