out of the ordinary

Out of the ordinary is what I always end up being. Out of the ordinary is what I've become. What I would do to be an ordinary for someone out there...

I seem to have the worst luck with picking the best guy.

I haven't written anything about it.. you.. us..(scratch that) me...
its going to be a whole month pretty soon since i haven't spoken one word to you... and given you won't read this, you probably will never hear any of this, I am going to be more transparent than I have ever been before, so this new year I can start off new.

2nd semester i was hurt, more than anything it destroyed me... you were there, you always were. you never wanted anyone to hurt me, you always protected your Bea Bea. when i saw you i would get excited because you're my ... ... and i didn't want anyone to hurt you. i guess that where i went wrong. i calculated everything in order for you not to get hurt that i didn't consider myself or how you would've reacted. I freaked you out... and if you read this it would probably freak you out even more. but we haven't talked for a month and you said we would, but you haven't called, you haven't texted, i saw you and you didn't even glance my way... i tried, i tried to find your eyes, i tried to see if you would even acknowledge me, but the silence should say it all... so this is what i wanted you to know...

I guess it all started that one day in Tracy... how could you not know that i had feelings for you? huh dummy? you and i, we fessed up our feelings that day...
you wanted me to visit you in Sac, and even though you thought i wouldn't, i did because i don't go back on my word... i guess over the summer, we both figured that our lifestyles are wrong for each other. again, i was out of the ordinary.
when school started i didn't think that there was anything, it was set in stone, you and i, we won't ever talk about it, there was nothing to talk about.
but things quickly changed, you pulled me to a corner and then out to your balcony to talk and you gave me a kiss on the cheek... oh how i wish you didn't. i backed away because i know you, you wouldn't want to be with a girl like me. i saw you more and more and my feelings got tangled, it went from telling you no because i didn't want to hurt you or to be hurt again, to no because you're my ... and then it started to become yes, because i saw everything that you didn't see in yourself...
that one day we had the barbecue you said "you and i can't be together because we would fight constantly... you would hate me... thats why i can't touch you, i don't want to hurt you." at that time i think that i was more afraid of hurt you. so that was it, simple... you didn't want a relationship... but regardless you wanted me to talk that night, what did you want me to say? huh? we sat on your bed and if i said i wanted a relationship would you give me one? i told you i liked you... i tore all my walls down that night that i tried to build up for 3 fucking months. so i ask you, how couldn't you not know my feelings?
i am no one special, i am no special girl, i don't have an ounce of what you usually want in a girl,
i wasn't going to force you to be with me.
i wasn't going to beg you to want to be with me,
i wasn't going to make you want me,
i wasn't going to ask you leave your lifestyle,
i wasn't going to ask you to give up fucking other beautiful girls, nice, intelligent, caring girls for me. because in the end i know you wouldn't...
hehe, why have one when you can have plenty...
So we did it, and that was it, every time i saw you i had to hide my feelings, when you touched me, kissed me, looked at me, graze my arm, stood behind me, looked into my eyes, if you even came close, i couldn't....

i couldn't tell you,

i couldn't show you how i was feeling because i needed to protect myself.. i needed to protect you and what you wanted and needed at that time... i needed to be okay, okay for you... i couldn't show you my feelings because you and i aren't guaranteed... how can we start a relationship if you already have doubts? when you already predicted that we were going to miserably fail? destined to drown? ... but, i was already hurting because i am stuck once again in this friends with benefits relationship and i deserved so much more... did i want it to be like this? friends with benefits? what girl would? but i took it because i thought that there was a chance, a chance that you can give me to prove to you that you deserved so much better...

i know that you wanted to be better, if not for me than for yourself and funny thing is, i saw you make positive changes, changes that i admire you for... you needed to have time to do you, i understood that... i understood that much... so i let you, whenever you needed me i was there, it only took one text for me to stop what i was doing to be there with you. but you can only love me as much as you love you, and i knew that took time... but as my feelings stayed, while yours left as quick as a blink...

so i pretended that it was okay
i put on the brave face, when we did it i would leave right away, you never asked me to sleep over, i wanted to so badly believe me i did, but i guess it was better this way because in a way i would've wanted to be with you more if i slept next to you... you use to text every tuesday during the afternoon, those texts became less frequent, the text at night became less frequent, and by the first month i knew that you no longer had feelings for me... i was just another girl that you would fuck... but who was i kidding to think i had the chance right?
funny
joke... ha-
just kidding
and then i spilled everything to you, drunk- and you freaked out... little did you know the things you would say when you were drunk... but its okay, because when you need a ride i will give you one, when you can't drive cause you're to drunk i'll make sure you get home safely, when you feel like you're sick i'll be there to feed you, because thats all i can do... i can only watch on the sidelines. and now you're not even speaking to me...

congrats Bea, round of applause...

you said, "Bea, I'm not a good guy."
this is what i want you to know...
When it comes to guys, a girl doesn't only see his outward appearance, she will stand by his side regardless of the stupid things he chooses to do. She sees the good in him. You, you aren't a good guy, you are more than that. You are intelligent, it amazes me to see you in conversations. You are funny, you lighten up the mood whenever you feel tension in the air. You seek for happiness, whenever we're at parties you would get everyone all hyped up. You can cook, pasta-roni. You can clean. You can make a girl feel wanted. You can make her feel like shes the one person you want to talk to in a room full of people. You can bring comfort. You are loyal, trustworthy. You can give advice. As hard as you think you are, you are just as soft. You care, you care about people's emotions. You love your family and you'll do anything for your friends. You're endlessly listening and forever giving.

After all this... one more thing... life is to short to live with what ifs... that is why i had to take a chance with you... but who am i for you to take a chance with? :)

Lastly, I'm sorry.

i'm sorry that i didn't stop it sooner, i'm sorry for not trusting you enough to tell you, i'm sorry for saying everything drunk, i'm sorry for trying to talk to you that one night, i'm sorry that i even texted you that i was sorry, i'm sorry for thinking that you were better, i'm sorry for settling for what i thought was good, i'm sorry for every night we spent, i'm sorry for being there, i'm sorry for making sure that you were okay, i'm sorry for Tracy, i'm sorry for making it weird, i'm sorry for being so hardheaded that i couldn't just hug you once when i saw you to say i was sorry, i'm sorry for our conversations, i'm sorry for drunken nights and sober thoughts, I'm sorry for having feelings for you, i'm sorry for thinking i might be extraordinary for you...

Sorry.