...thoughts

I came across this post secret today and i can't help but put it on...

I've been reading this book called Emotional Purity, it is a Christian book that came just at the right time. I am leading a Girl Bible Study group and its really refreshing . This first week i read 5 chapters. Chapter 1) was a story about Tracy and Mike 2) Avoiding Early Intimacy 3) Finding a Mentor 4) Guarding Your Heart 5) Defining a Friendship. There are a lot more chapters that i will be blogging about but I want to reflect on these 5 chapters first...

Emotional Purity is Guarding your heart. One of the girls asked me how can she guard her heart? How not give so much of herself... Funny thing is I'm still trying to figure that out. Ive always been taught to wait before marriage, for sex... but i have never thought about waiting emotionally as well... as women we all tend to invest in relationships, in every relationship we have, its how God made us. Guarding my heart has been one of my biggest struggles because I'm a very trusting person, i give everyone the benefit of the doubt... I say what i mean and I say what I feel. I "wear my heart on my sleeves" One part of the book states that God intended us to go "all the way" (sex) in a marriage relationship, but he also intended us to go "all the way" emotionally as well. Emotionally... its true... if you give someone your heart or even a little piece of it, how much will you have left? How much will you give your future husband or wife? this might sound cliche for Christians but, I've been trying to mend my heart and the one thing that has helped is focusing my pain and my mind on God.
I thought that Ive made the biggest mistake of my life and I thought that i wanted to change it, ask for a rewind, but after reading the Bible and searching, I've realized that everything happened for a reason. I cannot take back the things i've said, the things i've done, the things i've felt... i did my best to prove to someone that i'm a great girl and i never asked for anything back. and i realized that i'm good, i'm good alone. in relationships people should never feel like they are 2 half making a whole. relationships should be two wholes uniting as one, a greater and better one... my mistake is a lesson that i'm now teaching to younger girls so they don't make the same mistakes. and God is a gracious and merciful God. he has forgiven my past sins, my present sins, and my future sins. He is the one person who can make my heart whole...

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."- Ezekiel 36: 26

I'm not saying that i'm going to never let people in, but this time around i'm going to be on guard. i've been hurt so much from boy and girl relationships. i think that guys and girls can be great friends and as girls we can fall for our best friends, but I'm guarding my heart, because no one is good enough for it just yet. when i do find that one person who deserves my heart... he will have my WHOLE heart without any of the bumps, without the bruises, without he scratches form what people have left. he will have all of it.

"Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life." - Proverbs 4: 23

can i get a rewind?

“Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with” -Gillian Anderson

Its 12:14 at night and I’m here listening to my “Missed Chances” play list. What did I miss? Who do I miss? What chances did I miss out on? There is only one answer that comes to mind -I miss you. I miss you five times the world over and I can’t tell you. But I didn’t miss any chances because I took them, I took them all. I leaped into them heart first because for once I trust that there was going to be someone there to break my fall. I have tripped, stumbled, rolled down the hill, just to have myself fallen once again. Foolish isn’t it? When it comes to this game we call love, I am a small child who has no sanity. The child who knows she will get burned yet plays with the same fire.

Mixtape for Stupid...

-Raheem DeVaughn- Butterflies
"Let's sleep like I pretend we do
Convince me that day dreams do come true
Picture as where I picture you
And I just panic when you're in bird's eye view
And I try to say "hello" and the words don't come out right
Wish I could find myself but it's a losing fight"

- Musiq Soulchild- Halfcrazy
"Never thought that we would ever be more than friends
Now I'm all confused cause for you I have deeper feelings
We both thought it was cool to cross the line
And I was convinced it would be alright
Now things are strange, nothings the same
And really I just want my friend back
I'd hate walk away from you as if this never existed
Cause when we kissed the moment after I looked at you different"

- Ben's Brother- Stutter
"since anybody touched me, touched me, touched me
the way that you touch me
So if I stutter, stutter, stutter
and I feel so so so unsexy
so maybe I'll just keep my mouth shut at least until you kiss me
So tell me what I'm supposed to do
Oh it's been ages since we've been really honest
but I can make ch-ch-ch-changes if you really want this"

- Carrie Underwood - I know you won't
"I know you don't mean to be mean to me
'Cause when you want to you can make me feel like we belong
We belong
Lately you make me feel all I am is a back-up plan
I say I'm done and then you smile at me and I forget
Everything I said"

- Death Cab For Cutie - Tiny Vessels
"This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me"

-Ben's Brother- Let Me Out
"You sit and you stare and you wait and you wonder
You think "Maybe it's me and I'm being a fool."
You start to believe it's a curse that you're under
And you're just a doll for a girl who is cruel
So let me out
Or let me in
And tell me how, we can win
Cause I really wanna know now
Before I begin
To let you go (to let you go)
So let me know"

-Paulo Nutini- Last Request
"Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me
Oh, I've found, that I'm bound
To wander down that one way road.
And I realise all about your lies
But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before."

-Landon Pigg- Cen't Let Go
"Well youre the closest thing I have
To bring up in a conversation
About a love that didnt last
But I could never call you mine
Cause I could never call myself yours
And if we were really meant to be
Well then we justify destiny
Its not that our love died
Just never really bloomed
Well I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
Youre holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go
I cant move on from the past
Without lifting a finger youre holding me back"

-Renee Cassar - Forget to Breathe
"Forgot to apologize for nothing
I forgot that life's not fair
but I remember you swearing to me
I remember you never cried
I remember wanting to believe
But now I don't remember why
So if we ever meet again and I'm standing here and you're standing there
Would you do me a favor and don't say what you wanna say
Would you take off that smile you do so well, don't stand so close so I don't catch your smell
And would you do your best not to stare at me cause I cant breathe"

- Carrie Underwood- You Won't Find This
"You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end closer's all there is
But you won't find this"

- Death Cab For Cutie - Expo '86
"Sometimes i think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
And it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.
But if i move my place in line i'll lose.
And i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued
Sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect
The twists and turns of plots that took us from lovers to friends
I'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
And crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself"

-Graham Colton Band- Always on Your Side
"It's alright for you to be scared
I'll drive all night
I'll go anywhere
If someday our stars don't align
We'll go our own ways
You should know I'm always on your side
Could I have treated you better
Something else I could have tried
I don't have to be the one you dream about but you should know I'm on your side
It's where I've always been"